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Of the four major releases opening this weekend, writer/director Richard Kelly’s adaptation of the Richard Matheson short The Box is the one you’d do well to shun. Despite the intriguing trailer, the film barely delivers, except to cement the notion that Frank Langella is one creepy bastard. But since he mostly plays are creepy bastards, we already know that so there’s no real surprise. Another reason not to see The Box.
If you want cheap scares and were deciding on whether to watch The Box or The Fourth Kind, go with the The Fourth Kind because the scariest things you’ll see while watching The Box are those 70’s sideburns. Yes, Fourth Kind is stupid, but it’s good stupid...
It’s a sorry state of affairs when a Milla Jovovich movie is actually better than a Cameron Diaz movie. Box isn’t outright terrible, but you can do so much better this weekend
The sad part is I really wanted to like this movie, mostly because of Richard Kelly. Kelly wrote and directed seemingly everyone’s favorite 2001 Cult Hit Donnie Darko and set himself up as filmmaker of promise. I like Darko a lot, though I don’t love it as much as some simply because I haven’t seen it in so long. It wasn’t perfect, at least it was interesting when so many others are predictably stale. Now when I see an old woman approaching a mailbox I think to myself “Mail, mail, mail...”
I’d pretty much see anything Kelly did next...
...Which was 2007’s Southland Tales.
Hey, how about that Donnie Darko?
Honestly, I don’t hate Southland Tales as much as most do, as I don’t really feel much of anything toward it. Though I think that there have been Oscar telecasts that have a shorter running time. It’s not so much that Tales feels like watching the Oscars as much as it feels like watching the commercials during the Oscars. I’m sure I’ll give Tales another chance though...when Chris Tucker makes another movie. Meaning I’ll be safe for at least a half decade.
You will notice that all the ads for The Box say “From the Director of Donnie Darko’ with nary a mention of Southland Tales. I’m just saying...
But after watching The Box you can bet the next Richard Kelly movie will be promoted with... “From the Director of Donnie Darko”, because The Box really isn’t worth remembering...
It’s 1976 somewhere in Virginia. The accents are twangy and the wallpaper looks like what happens when a grenade goes off in someone’s pants and nobody cleans up the mess.
Norma and Arthur Lewis (Cameron Diaz and Hairspray’s James Marsden) are your typical couple with a precocious, annoying son Walter (Sam Stone). Walter’s so superfluous a character that he’s sure to be in danger by the end of the movie.
Norma’s a school teacher. Or as she’s known in her son’s school, a TILF. Her son’s tuition will go up next semester, and it’s not just because Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle didn’t make any money.
Arthur works at NASA doing something science-y. He’s a wannabe astronaut, but he’s been rejected because of his psyche profile. At least that’s just what they’re telling him but it’s really just because he sucked as Cyclops. He was counting on being an astronaut because he really needed the extra cash.
All this inane setup seems to take an hour before the Box shows up. In the Box contains a huge red button. A mysterious guy with a boxer hat Arlington Steward (Frost/Nixon’s Frank Langella, looking like Two-face or that guy who decided to swallow some acid in Let The Right One In) explains to the Lewis’ the choice you’ve seen in the promos: if you push the button you get rich and someone else will die tryin’.
That person will be someone they don’t know. Perhaps the producer that decided My Sister’s Keeper would make a non retch-worthy movie (don’t lie, you’d be pushing it too if that were the case). Or Chunk from the Goonies. It’s just that random.
Norma pushes the button. Of course there’s the usual should-we-or-shouldn’t-we dialogue that has to go on between Arthur and Norma, but it’s not very compelling and we’re half hour into the movie and we just want someone to push the goddamn button already...
The next day Arlington shows up and gives them a briefcase filled with a million dollars.
Arthur asks if someone died.
Frank replies “Of Course.”
Norma decides she doesn’t want the money anymore.
Too late, bitches. Now they have to live with the consequences, and we have to watch another hour and a half of this movie. Everyone loses.
Then odd things begin to happen. Micah puts his beloved camera on all night to watch Katie while she sleeps, and it captures odd movements of paranormal activity that may explain why Katie—
Sorry, I was thinking of a much better movie...that you’ve already seen and would have a much better time at than this.
Not to reveal too much, because it’s difficult to make The Box sound not stupid. An actual plot point involves someone being struck by lightning, just to hint at where this road might lead. If you remember 1999’s Eddie Murphy/Steve Martin comedy Bowfinger, you might recall the movie they were “filming” was called Chubby Rain. Chubby Rain and The Box have a lot more in common than they really, really should, except Chubby Rain was meant to be funny and The Box is just ridiculous.
What works with the Box-
1) I was wrong. It isn’t the sideburns that are the scariest part of the movie, it’s Norma’s Foot. Though she won’t be doing any dancing...ever, she could do a mean Keyser Soze impression.
2) Steward’s explanation of why he uses a Box. Actually made me kind of depressed, but then again it might have just been the movie I was in.
3) Santa causes a car crash. How can you not laugh at that?
4) At a little under 2 hours running time, The Box is shorter than Southland Tales by a week.
What really, really doesn’t work-
1) After shaking my head and listening to more than one person ask “What the fuck was that?” as the closing credits rolled, I realized The Box failed because no matter how the viewer tried to watch it, he/she was screwed either way...
If you tried to take this movie seriously...you’re doing way more lifting than you need to because the movie really isn’t worth it. Unsubtle repeated mentioning of the Mars program hint at where the movie will turn as the viewer hopes beyond hope it doesn’t. It’s not long before it turns into Cammie Diaz and the Kingdumb of the Crystal Skull, but with no real payoff as the film becomes less and less interesting as more is revealed. At times it makes last March’s Knowing look brilliant, which may be the only thing resembling success The Box achieves.
Some may find this movie “challenging”. That may be true if you’ve never ever seen an episode of The Twilight Zone. A good episode at least.
If you tried to watch this movie as mindless thriller, you’ll be disappointed as the movie stops and stalls constantly and you’re bombarded with “ideas” but with no real moments of suspense. Maybe it’s the fault of marketing in trying to paint a pretentious morality play into a suspense thriller, but after not too long you’re wishing for a huge bunny suit or a Chi-mo Patrick Swayze. At least the previous Richard Matheson bastardization, the neutered, WillSmithified, Don’t-shoot-the-poor-doggy version of I Am Legend, had some CGI action scenes
What doesn’t work-
1) Nosebleeds aren’t all that scary. They’re especially not that scary the 40th time you’ve seen it in a 20 minute period.
2) An absurd sequence in an “employee” library that ends in a watery splash. If you’re not already wishing you bought that ticket to A Christmas Carol, this part will put you over the edge.
3) A drawn-out climax that would have had more heft if we actually gave a good golly about the characters and their decisions. Diaz and James Marsden do their actorly best to try to convey the weight of their choices, but by this time the audience just doesn’t care. Just pull the fucking trigger already so we can see Men Who Stare at Goats.
Overall. Despite the temptation to see Cameron Diaz’ Box on the big screen, you’d be wise to stay away from this movie or you’ll end up with a mixture of boredom and regret, in some ways mirroring what happens to the characters in the movie. Go with your instincts and avoid opening this Box. Unless of course someone gives you a million dollars to see it. Then by all means view it under those circumstances because at least you’ll have that to keep you motivated to slog through this mess. Don’t give up on Richard Kelly yet, as he’s allowed one more failure before he becomes Carl Franklin. Two more and he’s Renny Harlin.