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would like to be completely upfront with my readers for a moment, lest Daniel Leifer accuse me of irresponsible journalism. The poem I referenced in my title is a famous work by Dylan Thomas. When, later in the article, I refer to Sesame Street, I may in fact draw basic info of Sesame Street’s origins from Wikipedia. I assure you, however that the opinions presented here are my own, which is the important feature of a column. Thanks for keeping me honest, Daniel.

To the point: I suffered a minor panic attack last week, when I heard it mentioned that Cookie Monster, the simple yet lovable connoisseur of culinary concoctions, had been replaced by a “Veggie Monster” on Sesame Street. Horrified, I dashed to my computer for confirmation. It transpired that the claim was false. Happily, Cookie Monster remains the lovable blue beast that he was in my childhood days.

Or does he?

Further investigation yielded some disturbing information. While Cookie Monster has not been replaced, his role on Sesame Street has certainly undergone significant changes. Most notably, the sacred song of Cookie Monster is no longer: “C is for Cookie, that’s good enough for me.” What is it now, you ask? “Cookies are a sometimes food.” Updated Cookie Monster is educated about moderation and now consumes a balanced diet of fruits and veggies.

Bemused, I sought answers for this radical change in Monster’s eating behaviors. Sesame Street’s Web site offers some insight, advertising the fact that the show is now “addressing the need for nutrition and exercise education.” There you have it. The popular children’s show is caving in to the political pressure to intervene in American dietary habits. Labeling nutritional content is not enough, banning trans fats in some restaurants is not enough and the suggestion of a “soda tax” to address the obesity epidemic is not enough. Sesame Street will conquer childhood obesity by dropping a silly song and decreasing the Monster’s cookie calorie intake.

Personally, I am sick of seeing my peers, politicians and lobbyists of all kinds desperately seek a target to blame for the nutritional problems of the nation. Cancer due to smoking can be handed off to tobacco companies. Eating disorders can be attributed to models, actresses, fashion magazines, the vegan movement…etc. The responsibility for obesity is laid at the feet of fast food restaurants, soda companies, dining halls, high fructose corn syrup and now, apparently, Cookie Monster’s gluttonous eating habits.

In this warped world of finger pointing, Americans have forgotten the simple fact that we, as autonomous individuals, are capable of modulating our on behaviors. Thus, we bear personal responsibility for the health decisions we make. I don’t have to consume Big Macs just because McDonald’s provides them. Camel doesn’t compel me to smoke! And Coca-Cola certainly doesn’t hold me down and force-feed me sugary delight. People who are obese are victims of their own volition. Children who are obese are the victims of irresponsible parenting.

Seriously, how weak-minded are we as a society that we believe a change in Cookie Monster’s eating habits will have a significant influence on behavior? Will cookies be any less appealing now that they’re no longer good enough for Cookie Monster? Will children leap off of the couch and run to the fridge for a delicious celery stick instead? And, since I’ve mentioned the couch, maybe parents should encourage kids to turn off Sesame Street, jump off their obese bums and engage in some exercise?

That would be too simple, not to mention asking far too much of parents. Instead, society places trust in Sesame Street to educate our children and bequeath upon them the information necessary to form healthy habits, as they sit, staring at the screen.

If this is to be the new trend–behavioral manipulation through childhood entertainment–I would like to point out a few necessary changes. Disney movies must be altered to promote healthy relationships. I mean, we’re teaching children that the ways to a man’s heart are silence (Little Mermaid) and to value things like superficial beauty (see any princess movie), servitude (Cinderella) and insipid femininity (Snow White). HORROR. How can this be inflicted on young minds? We must change these characters to strong, intelligent, average-looking, loud feminists. Think Hillary Clinton.

Alternatively, we could accept personal responsibility for the choices that we make. We could encourage interactive parenting to help children distinguish between healthy and unhealthy choices. We could allow children, as we were allowed, to enjoy the simple entertainment value of an unaltered, classic Disney Movie and a cookie-hoarding, floppy blue beast.

Policy-makers and lobbyists: Please stop your fruitless efforts to manipulate me. Focus your energy on something more important–like combating socialized healthcare, for instance.